It's Not Always What We Say

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I go in to wake Ann from her afternoon nap. She will sleep from lunch to dinner every day. Because we are trying to get her stronger and functionally mobile to return to home, though, we have to make sure she doesn't stay in bed for dinner, too!

Correct ways to sleep!

I gently put my hand on her arm. After a few seconds, I rub just a little. I know she is a person who does not mind being touched. If she was, I would have to use a different method!

She stirs. I tell her in a voice just loud enough for her to hear, "Ann, it's time to wake up. Almost dinner time."

She pulls back the covers and puts her warm hand on my forearm. She feels warm and wonderful! We start a daily conversation that I enjoy so much.

She speaks to me in Finnish, and I have no idea what she is saying. I speak back in English, which at times she understands, and at others, well, I'm really not sure.

She begins to rub my forearm while we talk, the way a grandmother would give comfort to a child.

Some people get frustrated with Ann because she won't speak English. I see that in her cognitive decline, she is losing her second language. She is reverting to the language she spoke as a child.

I allow her to slowly get up and assist her to the wheelchair. This is when the elderly are most at risk for falls, right after sleeping when they start to stand up.

She is awake now, still speaking Finnish. She signals the time, then says, "Morning?!"

"No, Annie," it's late afternoon. Time for dinner. It's Tuesday still."

She holds my hand for a moment and looks in my eyes.

We both smile.

I am keenly aware that it doesn't matter what language we speak to each other. The most important language is that of love and respect for each other that flows between us. Together we share a short moment in time that fills both our hearts and enables us to move on to the end of the day.

It's not always what we say....

Love and the Single Elderly

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I've been proposed to twice this week!

It's not an uncommon occurrence to have an elderly gentleman respond to our "working" relationship by wanting to make it personal. They usually start off with, "You have a husband at home?".....

"No," I usually reply. It's best to keep the answers simple sometimes. No need to turn the focus on therapy off of them.

Of course, even that one-word answer can give an old man hope!

"Marry me!"

I have to admit, it always makes me smile. I soften the blow by telling them that I'm like a bird flitting from place to place, not a good choice for someone who is settled down. They take the bad news graciously.

It made me think about being single, old and wanting love in your life. I can count on several hands only (from my 16 years as a therapist) the number of couples who have been married 50-60+ years who look at and treat each other as if they had just fallen in love. I have a patient right now who has that kind of relationship with her husband.

LUCKY!

Most single older people I know want to be connected intimately to a partner. I'm referring more to an emotional connection, though some want sex.

I worked with a new patient today.  Ginny is 90. We share the same birthday which created an immediate bond. She told me about her long, beautiful marriage to her husband which ended four years ago with his death.

"I have a boyfriend now.  Carl should be by to see me later."  Her eyes twinkled with joy and mischeviousness. "He is 38!"

"Wow!" I thought. I wouldn't mind a 38 year old boyfriend, either....then I laughed silently. That Ginny is spunky!

"So, Ginny, is Carl....a helper?"  I wondered if her intermittent confusion may have skewed the story.

"Oh, he helps me around the house, takes me to dinner. He's my love interest, too."

(Would you blame me for questioning this?)

I saw Ginny's son later in the day. He stopped by to see how her treatment was progressing. I asked him, "Is there a man named Carl in Ginny's life? She's telling me he is her love interest."

Her son replied, "Well, since she just introduced me as her husband, I'm not surprised!"  He told me that there was a Carl. He rents a room from Ginny, and he does, indeed, help around the house. He had already visited her at the facility.

I never really got the "skinny" on whether Carl really has the hots for Ginny, but I did find it supportive that this young man would visit an elderly lady at the nursing home.

I have witnessed the most interesting of relationships that grow, from residents who meet and marry in nursing homes, former staff and patients who come together after the treatment is over, and strange couplings of people who come in for short term rehab.

I'm not in any position to judge a person's relationships. There are relationships that outsiders may not understand, but it's not for anyone else to understand the bond except for the two people involved.

Tonight, I raise my tea mug

to all those lucky old people

who have spent a lifetime

with someone they cherish.

I raise a prayer for those who are sad and lonely.

I appreciate those who reach out to others around them

with companionship and a smile.

What will it be like for us when we are old?

With whom do we want to be?